Edition No. 001: Namaste, Bitches.

Are your coworkers chronically stressed, wildly under-caffeinated, and disturbingly resistant to salt-based enlightenment?

Welcome to your new favorite fake wellness audit: The “Comply With Me” Edition.

This isn't just a kit—it's a movement. A very soft, lavender-scented, passive-aggressive movement.

• ✅ Compliance Audit Worksheet (with space to lie)
   
• ✅ Fake Certificate of Relaxation (frame not included, but smugness is)
   
• ✅ Two “Certified Salt-Zone” Stickers to slap on microwaves, fridges, or Janet’s monitor
   
• ✅ Gaslighting Guide – “Are You Actually Relaxed or Just Being Difficult?”
   
• ✅ Salt Lamp Placement Map – scientifically unverified, but vibes-based
   
• ✅ Bonus: Mistress Jessie’s Whispered Workplace Affirmations (QR Code download)
   

🔸 Issued under the Work Health & Sexuality Act 2069
🔸 Mandated display in all certified Salt Zones
🔸 Approved by Mistress Jessie, Chief Inspector of DELATE

GLOW BITCH ON DUTY
Chromotherapy Enforcement Officer Present
Please adjust your tone and your ions before approaching.

OFF DUTY (But Still Radiating Judgment)
Salt levels low. Emotional labour surcharge applies.
Use peppermint mist, speak slowly, and approach with tribute.

• 20cm x 8cm brushed metal or bamboo frame
   
• Laser-etched with ionic resonance glyphs
   
• Optional USB Himalayan salt base (glow fades in/out with mood shifts)
   
• Limited edition version includes a QR code linking to the Glow Oath audio monologue by Mistress Jessie
   

⚠️ WARNING
Interacting with a Glow Bitch On Duty without proper grounding may result in:
 Emotional mirroring

Sudden revelations

Unscheduled accountability

Aura slippage

Because your workplace deserves to glow up

Are your staff spiritually depleted? Is Karen in accounts holding the team hostage with her ungrounded energy? Has your HR department lost its soul (or never had one)? It’s time to restore order, one USB-powered Himalayan rock at a time.

Introducing the Salt Lamp Compliance Kit—a complete, absurdly official pack for any workplace looking to:
✔ Create tension-breaking chaos at the next team-building day
✔ Gaslight upper management into thinking salt lamps are now legally required
✔ Improve morale through placebo glow therapy
✔ Comply with the fictional WHS Act of 2025 (Work Health & Sensuality)

Endorsed by Mistress Jessie, Chief Compliance Officer at Cane & Collar, this downloadable (and printable) kit includes:

• A legally dubious Compliance Application Form
   
• A framed-worthy Certificate of Salt Lamp Compliance
   
• A highly scientific Audit Worksheet
   
• A heartfelt Letter from Mistress Jessie
   
• And a USB-powered salt lamp, sold separately, for those committed to full-spectrum ridiculousness
   

💡 Perfect for:

• Team-building retreats
   
• Workplace birthday pranks
   
• Passive-aggressive management training
   
• “Wellness Wednesdays” that no one asked for
   

✨ Because nothing says we care about you like fake legislation and crystal-based compliance rituals.

🛒 Buy the full bundle. Print it. Frame it. Display it with solemn reverence.
And watch your workplace glow with pretend accountability.

Duration: 1 hour
Format: Live on Zoom / Pre-recorded with interaction prompts
Target Audience:

• Burnt-out office teams
   
• Over-enthusiastic HR reps
   
• Workplace pranksters
   
• Corporate teams ready to laugh at themselves
   

• Introduction by Mistress Jessie (with full compliance regalia)
   
• Satirical WHS overview: The Work Health & Sensuality Act of 2025
   
• Icebreaker: Everyone must whisper their job title sensually into the mic
   

• Each team member answers glow-related questions:
   
• Introduction of the Salt Lamp Compliance Score
   
• Team aura assessment (done through absolutely no science)
   

• One person becomes Compliance Officer.
   
• Others must complete a ridiculous “submission challenge” (like naming three wellness buzzwords without laughing)
   
• Office-safe Dominance & Delegation exercise: pass around imaginary “Glow of Authority”
   

• Screen-share the Salt Lamp Workplace Audit Worksheet
  Teams complete the form together in breakout rooms or pairs
   
• Teams share findings like a totally serious report back
  
   

• Dramatic awarding of fake compliance certificates (pre-named or auto-filled)
   
• Bonus awards for Most Compliant, Most Unstable Energy, and Best Use of a Salt Lamp in Battle
   

• Downloadable Compliance Kit PDF
   
• Printable Certificate Templates
   
• Pre-recorded voice note from Mistress Jessie: “You Are Now Fully Compliant”
   
• Optional USB Salt Lamp purchase link for maximum absurdity
   

• $5550 flat fee per team
   
• $69 per person with group discounts
   
• $500 premium version with 15-min 1:1 Mistress Compliance Consultation for management
   

A Satirical WHS & Mental Health Team-Building Experience Presented by Mistress Jessie

Duration: 1 Hour Target Audience: Remote FIFO mining teams, site supervisors, safety officers, and workplace pranksters Theme: Mental Health, WHS, and Emotional Compliance through Salt Lamp Integration

Optional Add-On or Live Performance Title: Compliance Never Felt So Good – A WHS Comedy Show by Mistress Jessie

Show Themes:

• Mistress Jessie applies for a role as a mine site WHS officer while secretly trying to dominate the chain of command

• Mock performance reviews based on aura disruptions and emotional risk registers

• Real workplace risks exaggerated with domme-flavoured metaphors: "Your lack of PPE is punishment-worthy."
• Salt lamp diffusers written into a fake legislative bill

Audience Participation:

• Satirical hazard identification contest: "Spot the kink in the chain"
• Top 3 laugh-out-loud safety slogans win USB salt diffusers
• 
  

Purpose: To wrap the entire experience in a theatrical, absurdist bow, providing catharsis, critique, and laughter in high-vis.

My name is Mistress Jessie — WHS satire specialist, emotional containment consultant, and creator of the Salt Lamp Compliance Workshop: a one-hour team-building experience designed specifically for FIFO mining camps who think they’ve seen it all.

We combine safety, mental health, and mandatory absurdity to deliver a workshop that blends:

• Fake WHS legislation (Work Health & Sensuality Act 2025)
   
• Team-building exercises that involve salt lamps, aura audits, and laminated risk assessments
   
• A comedy segment featuring Compliance Never Felt So Good, where I investigate your emotional PPE and hand out fake certificates with deadly seriousness
   

The entire experience is wrapped in satire, but rooted in one truth:
Your team probably needs to laugh — and bond — more than they need another “wellness webinar.”

Perfect for:
✔ Safety stand-downs
✔ Wellness days
✔ Morale-boosting “WTF was that?” events
✔ Breaking up the boredom of long swings

Would you like a full info pack or a quick discovery call to see how we could bring the glow to your workplace?

Salt optional. Impact guaranteed.

With compliant affection,

Mistress Jessie
Chief Compliance Officer
Cane & Collar – Salt Lamp Division
www.caneandcollar.com.au
📎 Fake certificates available. Real laughs required.